Sometimes I wonder
if I will ever by happy with myself.
I worry that if I can’t be happy with myself
then nobody will ever be happy with me
and that just makes me even more paranoid.
It’s a cylce
It’s all a cylcle and and it’s destroying me.
… this are usually the first thoughts once I get off the train at my current hometown after a weekend or a couple of days away. Like now. I have just returned home from my yearly Christmas trip to my parents’ to spend the holidays with them.
Back home. Back to reality.
I love to travel, even if it is just for the weekend and even if it is just to hang out with friends or family. I mean, even if there is nothing new to explore, just maintaining contacts or enjoying sort of a romantic weekend in another town. Usually I am looking forward to open my own door, to being home, drinking a good cup of after-travel-tea or -coffee. Sleeping in my own bed again. However, when finally opening the door a sadness overcomes me. The awareness that I am not in travel-world any more. Kind of a fairy tale where I can do what I want, enjoy my time, don’t worry about … you know … real life. I am pretty good at this. Leaving the daily routine behind once I get on a train to go somewhere for a mini-holiday.
But there is always this indefinable post-travel mode, where I realize I actually will have to get up early for work the next day, taking care of the shopping to have something to eat, cleaning my flat … just reality.
Certainly I know that those things keep me going, whithout them I wouldn’t be able to look forward to my travelling adventures. I like to see it that way, my small, happy, every-weekend adventures. I am a person who lives for those adventures I guess. And of course I am sad when they are over. However, as much as I’d love to live in a fairytail, reality is a part of it. Not always nice, a lot of time related to a huge amount of work. But it is there and makes my fairytale moment’s even more special.
So no wonder I am looking forward to my next adventure againg. Where will it take me?
… staying home all day in your pajamas, enjoying a big cup of coffee (a couple of little ones will do to), listening to the raindrops tapping on your window, listening to music and planning your upcoming holidays 🙂
You know this feeling? It is horrible if you can’t stop thinking about something fo maybe someone. If thisparticular thing stops you from closing your eyes … or worse, if those thoughts just keep haunting you while all you want is some sleep.
Wrote this a couple of days ago when I wasn’t feeling that well. Everyone is feeling down from time to time. And that’s ok. This makes you human after all – different feelings, different moods.
Looking at this now it still is true – I have those moments every now and then. But I also just thought about being sleepless or restless in a good way. I mean, sometimes something or someone keeps you awake because you can’t stop smiling and those happy thoughts just take away your sleep because they are even better than the sweetest dream.
Or you are just restless before a journey, anxious that you miss your flight or train, especially when you need to get up early and you are afraid you overhear your alarm (happens quite regularly to me – not actually missing the plane, but being afraid of doing so)
As life is a journey itself (very philosophic – I know) I think it just is a part of ourselves to suffer from restlesness or insomnia sometimes. Doesn’t it show somehow that we are not indifferent to the stuff happening around us or people we meet? Sometimes we just need a while to capture the impressions of the day, the big one’s as well as the small stuff …
… we’ll see how long it takes me today to fall asleep 🙂
*** Good night world ***
Ok, another post about happiness, but a different kind. The kind you can easily make yourself at home 🙂
I recall a film where a bunch of girls are bitching about boys (what else) while eating sweets and chocolate. During this conversation one of the beauties claims that there is only one thing better then chocolate: Chocolate with more chocolate!
And that is exactly what I created today: Chocolate with chocoalte and even more chocolate. And rum. 🙂
Not that I have a particular sad reason (well, I’m trying not to let me bring down by getting a year older tomorrow) but it definitely made me veeery happy. Those cupcakes basically contain of nothing but chocalate – besides some other necessary ingredients, and maybe a little too much rum (is there such a thing?) 🙂
And I noticed again how much I like baking and being creative. It has some meditating effect on me – and I am really relaxed right now.
Sadly you can’t enjoy one of my homemade muffins with me right now – but maybe there is a chance even the picture makes you smile 🙂 Anyway, enjoy the rest of your evening doing whatever makes you happy right now!
It happens that friends tell me about their problems and fears and stuff they are not happy about. I mean, this is what friends are for. To talk about stuff that troubles you (also about wonderful things, but this is not what this post is about) And I am always happy to help out – or if I can’t just to listen and comfort them.
Still, I sometimes wonder why everyone seems to be unhappy so much at the moment. Is it winter depression? Is the moon standing in a weird ancle to the other stars? Or is it just coincidence? It makes me sad that it seems to be so hard nowadays to be happy with what we have. Of course, you can’t influence everything, but still you can choose how to handle those not so fortunate circumstances. There are always to sides of the coin, and therefore to ways to look at a situation. I truly believe that the optimistic way is the right one. Even if it seems hard, it changes the way of you perception, makes you creative and let you find the metaphoric needle in the haystack. You gained two pounds? Well, it makes your butt look nicer. You are not happy with your flat? Redecorate it! Paint the walls! Find a new one! You broke up with your boy/girlfriend? There was a reason (there always is, otherwise you wouldn’t even think about it). You spend to much money on a new handbag? Well, that is a tough one … 😀 Unfortunate things happen – make the best of it, learn from it and move on. Still, never try to ignore anything on purpose, just make yourself live with it and accept the things as they are. No one has invented a time-machine (yet) to change the past (though it would be helpful in some situations). How bad it might be – there is usually one or another way to keep up with it. Trying to change or bring back the past really is a waste of time. Because as hard as it might be to accept – there just is no way. And there are ususally also so much good things to make up for all the troubles. Like an unexpected “thank you”, a nice phone call from an old friend, you finally managed to run 10 miles without diying, you found the perfect birthday gift for someone …
I had some really bad phases myself and there is stuff that troubles me right now. But somehow I always have the feeling deep down that everything will turn out well. No matter how bad it may look at first. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – right? And hopefully in my case will end up with a pay raise 😉
Btw – sorry for talking in cliches today. The thing is – they were created out of life lessons.
… and hopefully no one actually invents a time machine – there would be a lot more chaos out there!
… but some things will always stay the same.
Like this one special girl who is always there for me, no matter how challenging, awesome or crazy life might get und with whom I can always chat over a cup of coffee about literally everything. Thanks for always being there for me – even if there are 500 km between as most of the time 🙂
This cup really shows how well you know me 😉 Raise the cup to the Vienna Coffee Princess :* Or make it two, or three …